WHEN EXECUTIVES DIVORCE:
Where Does the Leadership Go?

The best executives do not, and would not, approach their business challenges this way. And as it turns out, this approach doesn’t generate much better results during divorce. One of the most vulnerable constituencies during divorce is the children. Research has shown that the self-esteem and optimism of children, for example, suffers not from the FACT of a divorce in their family, but from HOW the divorce was handled. The more public, intense, and protracted the conflicts, the greater the emotional damage for the children.

For many executives, it’s not a matter of wanting to handle their divorces better. Frequently, they don’t seem to know HOW to do it better. It’s a very charged context in which to excel. There are several traumas going on concurrently: the ending of a relationship that was decreed to last forever, the breaking up of routines, possibly separating from children, not to mention forging a new personal life. And then, there is the issue of money. Divorces can be enormously expensive, especially when relational animosity combines with abundant financial resources.

To make things harder, there is a notable lack of information available about the most effective ‘operating principles’ for people interested in a world class family transition. I know this firsthand because when I went through my own divorce three years ago, I actively sought out guidelines on how to have a “great” divorce (ie, better than ‘civil’). Specifically, a great divorce is one in which the partners end up strong friends, the children recover well from the change and develop positive relationship and life coping strategies, and the family knows how to function healthily and happily in the future even though a marriage has ended. There was no map for me to follow. Nor was there much encouragement, by experts, colleagues, or friends, that these goals could or should be targeted.

Through the numerous cases I have overseen, and my own experience, it is clear that there are patterns of mistakes and missed opportunities that hinder the divorce process. These include:

• Thinking too small about what’s possible, based on what we’ve heard or seen immediately around us (ie, calibrating only with a friend’s experience versus identifying a world class model).
• Behaving and communicating more reactively than intentionally (especially during moments of conflict).
• Not seeking out or valuing expert advice on how to manage tension and conflict skillfully.
• Not requiring ourselves to do better at each stage and with every step, and being accountable for the ‘system’ results, independently of what others in the situation are doing or expecting for themselves.
• Focusing more on ‘winning’ in the short term than on leading towards a healthy future for all involved.
• Justifying what we DO based on how we FEEL.

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